til the feeling’s gone forever

in

I started listening to Phoebe Bridgers at the start of the pandemic; consequently, so many of her songs are pegged to the lowest points of my life. Let’s rank them!

7. Garden Song
No, I'm not afraid of hard work
I get everything I want
I have everything I wanted

Almost everything.

6. Graceland Too
Said she knows she lived through it to get to this moment

Every day, as long as it’s not 90 degrees out, I swing open my kitchen door that faces the back garden, and start my coffee. As soon as I hear the first noisy bird from outside, I feel grateful. Every damn time.

5. Kyoto
I don't forgive you
But please don't hold me to it

A song about loving people that lack the capacity to care for you in the way that you need? Unrelatable.

4. Chinese Satellite
Instead I look at the sky and I feel nothing
You know I hate to be alone

When I lived and worked in the suburbs, I had a lot of trouble sleeping, so I would walk outside at 3 or 4 in the morning, and sometimes the sky was clear enough to see stars. I had such a void inside of me, but it was comforting to look up and see beautiful things that died millions of years ago.

I think I needed medication back then but alas.

3. ICU
And I get this feeling
Whenever I feel good
It'll be the last time

I don’t trust anyone to love me so I create self-fulfilling prophecies to make sure they don’t 🙃

2. Funeral
Jesus Christ, I'm so blue all the time
And that's just how I feel
Always have and I always will

I used to think that my ability to experience sadness meant I had tremendous emotional depth. Then I realized I was just drowning in a shallow pool of self-loathing. Song still makes me cry, though.

1. Moon Song
You couldn't have, you couldn't have
Stuck your tongue down the throat of somebody
Who loves you more
So I will wait for the next time you want me
Like a dog with a bird at your door

Just blow my brains out.